Its so hard to think back to the person that I was before anxiety took over. I know that if any of you are at all like me, your probably tired of hearing about anxiety period, and unfortunately its part of your daily life no matter how hard you wish it wasn't!!
When I was 22, I got married and adopted a child. I was a baby still. I know literally I was far from a baby, but as far as my life experiences I was a baby. I may have had a college degree and had the world at my finger tips, but I had NO clue what to do with any of it. Over night I was a wife and a mother, and I didn't have any time to figure out who I was! Who did I want to be, who was I meant to be??
Wish I could sit here and say that I know now, but sadly I still feel like my life is unknown. Sometimes, I like to think positively and think that maybe this was my chance for a clean slate. I didn't really like the person that I used to be, and I didn't really like the friends that I had during that period of my life anyways. So maybe a blessing in disguise?
Maybe its my chance to take back over who I am. I have maybe 5 friends, well five friends that I would actually be interested in them being any part of my life. The people that my husband and I both were friends with before my issues began are not exactly the kind of people that I want my son to be around. Not to say that they are terrible people, I just think we have a lot less in common than we once did!
I used to be young, dumb and stupid. LOL.. I think some and maybe most of us can agree with that. I was raised in a Christian home, and I FELT at the time that my mom was trying to control my life and everything I did. Looking back now I realize that she loved me and wanted to protect me from the things that I am experiencing now. That is not the point though, I was a into drinking and partying, and the "friends" that I had, and thought were great friends, true colors were revealed when I decided that drinking wasn't the path I wanted to take anymore. Luckily, my husband made the cut ; as for everyone else. They are basically just acquaintances now. Distant memories. When I think back to my life, I cant even believe that was me? It feels like a dream, or a movie I watched. No it was me.
Before my critics get defensive, I am NOT saying that there is anything wrong with drinking and enjoying yourself. My path to destruction began with my EXCESSIVE drinking and careless behavior while drinking, so it was a decision I needed to make for MYSELF. Also at the beginning stages of my anxiety, being drunk caused me to have panic attacks. I'm guessing that the lack of control of myself might be a factor. So what I am saying is, TO EACH THEIR OWN! No judgment here!!
So, I am on the search to find me! Who am I? What do I want to be?? Like I said before, maybe this is my chance to start over. Kind of like I moved to a new state and could meet all new people and have a fresh start. Right now, I feel that the people in my life will be along for whatever journey I decide to take in my life, and that is a good feeling!!
Life is easier, at least for me to have good family and friends by your side. Hopefully, I will meet lots of new people through my blogging journey and can live an even more fulfilled life.
So, who do I want to be? I can be anyone? It feels freeing just to say that! Although, I still want to be first and foremost a great wife and mother, I need to find out what makes me - me, and what brings me joy inside. I know that have a servants heart which makes me want to please everyone else. I think that I have done that all my life, and although being a servant is a gift that God has given me, and I will continue to serve, I also need to serve my own needs to be happy and healthy!!
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