Pointing fingers

Odd title.. i know. But its the only thing that i could describe the way that i am feeling right now. I know that anxiety is taken over my life, and i fully acknowledge that there are people out there with much bigger problems that i do, but pointing fingers does not help. 

I do take medication for my issues, and to a certain extent they do help, however they will never go away until i get to the source of my problems and deal with them. That is my goal, i don't want to just take medication forever and try to burry my problems in it, i want to know the source and fix it. 

So i have been told that once your Neurological system gets out of whack,its extremely   hard to get it  back on track. For example, say that you were involved in a car accident when you were 5 that you barely remember, but to this day you are incredibly terrified of cars, or highways, or back seats.. something. As you sit at your dr's office and discuss the anxiety problems that you have today, you never even think that the source could have began when you were 5 years old, and been out of whack since then. Every other problem or issue along the way may just have threw you more off track and more off track until finally you are like me and ready to explode!!

i wish that i knew the original source of my problems, and hopefully through therapy and counseling i will find out what it is and move forward with my life. I can remember having certain things that i never really thought were issues when i was younger. i liked to line things up perfectly, and like when i had a message on my cell phone, i could NOT leave it there. it would absolutely drive me crazy until i checked it. I might have some OCD problems as well.. LOL! Why not just add it to my list of crazy!

There are days i do feel like a crazy person. Do you ever sit at a table at a restraunt and just look around at all the people smiling and just wish, just for one min. that you were smiling too. that you didn't have the weight of the world on your shoulders, to be free from it. I feel like my anxiety is a chain around my ankles!! I am completely stuck.

I have also recently been told that there are some "natural" vitamins and herbs and stuff that are good for your neurological system, and for your mind, and nerves. KavaKava extract, Lemon balm extract, and camomile. I have NOT tried these things, but hey.. i would be willing to try just about anything that is not medication related. 

No one has an easy life. I find myself looking at others sometimes in envy, but seriously i need to be thankful for my life even though im in a cage. One day i will find out my reasons, and it will all become very very clear.