Its so hard to think back to the person that I was before anxiety took over. I know that if any of you are at all like me, your probably tired of hearing about anxiety period, and unfortunately its part of your daily life no matter how hard you wish it wasn't!!
When I was 22, I got married and adopted a child. I was a baby still. I know literally I was far from a baby, but as far as my life experiences I was a baby. I may have had a college degree and had the world at my finger tips, but I had NO clue what to do with any of it. Over night I was a wife and a mother, and I didn't have any time to figure out who I was! Who did I want to be, who was I meant to be??
Wish I could sit here and say that I know now, but sadly I still feel like my life is unknown. Sometimes, I like to think positively and think that maybe this was my chance for a clean slate. I didn't really like the person that I used to be, and I didn't really like the friends that I had during that period of my life anyways. So maybe a blessing in disguise?
Maybe its my chance to take back over who I am. I have maybe 5 friends, well five friends that I would actually be interested in them being any part of my life. The people that my husband and I both were friends with before my issues began are not exactly the kind of people that I want my son to be around. Not to say that they are terrible people, I just think we have a lot less in common than we once did!
I used to be young, dumb and stupid. LOL.. I think some and maybe most of us can agree with that. I was raised in a Christian home, and I FELT at the time that my mom was trying to control my life and everything I did. Looking back now I realize that she loved me and wanted to protect me from the things that I am experiencing now. That is not the point though, I was a into drinking and partying, and the "friends" that I had, and thought were great friends, true colors were revealed when I decided that drinking wasn't the path I wanted to take anymore. Luckily, my husband made the cut ; as for everyone else. They are basically just acquaintances now. Distant memories. When I think back to my life, I cant even believe that was me? It feels like a dream, or a movie I watched. No it was me.
Before my critics get defensive, I am NOT saying that there is anything wrong with drinking and enjoying yourself. My path to destruction began with my EXCESSIVE drinking and careless behavior while drinking, so it was a decision I needed to make for MYSELF. Also at the beginning stages of my anxiety, being drunk caused me to have panic attacks. I'm guessing that the lack of control of myself might be a factor. So what I am saying is, TO EACH THEIR OWN! No judgment here!!
So, I am on the search to find me! Who am I? What do I want to be?? Like I said before, maybe this is my chance to start over. Kind of like I moved to a new state and could meet all new people and have a fresh start. Right now, I feel that the people in my life will be along for whatever journey I decide to take in my life, and that is a good feeling!!
Life is easier, at least for me to have good family and friends by your side. Hopefully, I will meet lots of new people through my blogging journey and can live an even more fulfilled life.
So, who do I want to be? I can be anyone? It feels freeing just to say that! Although, I still want to be first and foremost a great wife and mother, I need to find out what makes me - me, and what brings me joy inside. I know that have a servants heart which makes me want to please everyone else. I think that I have done that all my life, and although being a servant is a gift that God has given me, and I will continue to serve, I also need to serve my own needs to be happy and healthy!!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Work
We all know that anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes, and that what is happening in my life, well it may not be happening in yours. However, one of the struggles i am currently having is working. About 6 and a half years ago, i was working full time, and had a wedding coming up, a 1 month old baby boy that was a distant family members that needed a good home. I was a HOT MESS! I was stressed at work, stressed at home, stressed about becoming a parent, stressed about the wedding, and marriage. That was when i started having anxiety at work. I can remember going into the bathroom while at work, and lying on the floor and taking deep slow breaths so try and slow my anxiety. I worked at a bank and was not exactly able to just leave the line whenever i felt like it, so it became a problem. Little by little i had more and more, i started calling off work, my work finally told me that i couldn't call off anymore or i was fired. at the time, no one not even my husband knew what was REALLY GOING ON, so i was telling everyone that they were treating me badly, and bad hours, and i didn't even tell them i was calling off, i lied and said that it was because they cut my hours. SO i knew that i needed a job, so i started looking for another job in the mean time because i knew it was only a matter of time until i was fired. SO i found a new job who was understanding about the upcoming wedding, and family matters, and such, so i was hired with a 2 week start date. I then called off at the bank the next day, KNOWING that i was going to be fired. After that, i just quit showing up there all together. Now, to them and anyone else who knew the truth, i looked like a slacker, a bad employee, all that and more. But deep down, i was beating myself up because i didn't know why i was feeling this way, and i just wanted it to stop, so i could go on with my life.
At the new job, things were better but not great. I remember during training, i faked puking in the bathroom so i could go home early bc i was having anxiety. I remember the day like it was yesterday, it was a wednesday, and i was scheduled to be off that friday for wedding preparations. I went to the bathroom to try my usual calm down routine, laid down, called someone to talk on the phone just to distract me, and then i went back and sat down at my desk. Everything went blurry, my head was spinning and i PANICKED!!!! Grabbed my things, walked out. Never told a soul i was leaving, just left. Got in my car and drove straight to my husbands work. Told him i was having anxiety and that i needed him, he came outside and sat with me for a while. once i was calmed down he went back to work and i went home. i wrote an email to my work later that day and said i was so sick and needed to be home. Called off the next day, and later that day, thursday; my boss called and told me that i needed to get my things after my honeymoon and find a new job. that it wasn't working out. Thursday, my wedding was on saturday!!!! I was embarrassed, afraid to tell anyone, and most importantly mad at myself.. just ashamed.
SO... THIRD JOB!! HAHA.. found a new job right after the wedding and honeymoon. Worked there about 3 weeks, and at that point we had taken legal custody of our son and he was at a sitter, and i was constantly stressed. working all day, coming home taking care of an infant that i had no clue what to do with, my husband wasn't that much of a help with the baby, and i felt like i was carrying it all on my own. I told everyone that i wanted to stay home with my son, and i did, but the real reason was because i couldn't hold a job. I was beginning to have the same anxiety issues as i was at the previous jobs, and i knew it was only a matter of time anyways, so i just figured id nip it in the butt before it nipped my butt!
No one wanted me to stay home, my dad had paid for my college education, and thought it was all a waste and my husband wasn't happy because we were living very comfortably with 2 incomes, and was afraid that since we had a new baby we couldn't afford it if i didn't work. He had totally legit concerns, but at the time i was not willing to admit defeat and tell everyone my problems. My husband knew slightly of them, but didn't know that they were ruining my life! I didn't know at that time, that by letting the fear win, and letting it take control over my situation, that that was the beginning of a HUGE PROBLEM!!!
Sometimes i wish i could go back to that point in my life and realize the problems i had, and get help before i got this far. I think about how different things would have been for me. and as much as i would love to change the things that happened and how i handled the situation.. i cannot. i have to move forward and trust and have faith that this is all part of Gods plan for my life. I am who i am today
because of the experiences in my life.
My husband and i are trying to purchase our first home and are having a lot of problems due to my lack of income! SO that is sooo stressful on me and my marriage. Its so hard to live this way sometimes. BUt i have NO choice but to trust and have faith that it will work out, even if its not how i want it to work out.
At the new job, things were better but not great. I remember during training, i faked puking in the bathroom so i could go home early bc i was having anxiety. I remember the day like it was yesterday, it was a wednesday, and i was scheduled to be off that friday for wedding preparations. I went to the bathroom to try my usual calm down routine, laid down, called someone to talk on the phone just to distract me, and then i went back and sat down at my desk. Everything went blurry, my head was spinning and i PANICKED!!!! Grabbed my things, walked out. Never told a soul i was leaving, just left. Got in my car and drove straight to my husbands work. Told him i was having anxiety and that i needed him, he came outside and sat with me for a while. once i was calmed down he went back to work and i went home. i wrote an email to my work later that day and said i was so sick and needed to be home. Called off the next day, and later that day, thursday; my boss called and told me that i needed to get my things after my honeymoon and find a new job. that it wasn't working out. Thursday, my wedding was on saturday!!!! I was embarrassed, afraid to tell anyone, and most importantly mad at myself.. just ashamed.
SO... THIRD JOB!! HAHA.. found a new job right after the wedding and honeymoon. Worked there about 3 weeks, and at that point we had taken legal custody of our son and he was at a sitter, and i was constantly stressed. working all day, coming home taking care of an infant that i had no clue what to do with, my husband wasn't that much of a help with the baby, and i felt like i was carrying it all on my own. I told everyone that i wanted to stay home with my son, and i did, but the real reason was because i couldn't hold a job. I was beginning to have the same anxiety issues as i was at the previous jobs, and i knew it was only a matter of time anyways, so i just figured id nip it in the butt before it nipped my butt!
No one wanted me to stay home, my dad had paid for my college education, and thought it was all a waste and my husband wasn't happy because we were living very comfortably with 2 incomes, and was afraid that since we had a new baby we couldn't afford it if i didn't work. He had totally legit concerns, but at the time i was not willing to admit defeat and tell everyone my problems. My husband knew slightly of them, but didn't know that they were ruining my life! I didn't know at that time, that by letting the fear win, and letting it take control over my situation, that that was the beginning of a HUGE PROBLEM!!!
Sometimes i wish i could go back to that point in my life and realize the problems i had, and get help before i got this far. I think about how different things would have been for me. and as much as i would love to change the things that happened and how i handled the situation.. i cannot. i have to move forward and trust and have faith that this is all part of Gods plan for my life. I am who i am today
because of the experiences in my life.
My husband and i are trying to purchase our first home and are having a lot of problems due to my lack of income! SO that is sooo stressful on me and my marriage. Its so hard to live this way sometimes. BUt i have NO choice but to trust and have faith that it will work out, even if its not how i want it to work out.
SO ive been told...
So, I'm sure like me you have all been give lots of advise from others about how you should or shouldn't deal with your anxiety. What you should or shouldn't eat, what you should and shouldn't take as far as medication. It can be overwhelming and quite frustrating, anyone else feel this way??
Truth is, I BELIEVE that every single person has a different kind of anxiety. My anxiety is fear of places, fear of being away from home, basically fear of having an anxiety attack. While, friends of mine have anxiety while trying to sleep and just thinking of life stresses, and I'm sure if you are reading this then you or someone you know has anxiety, and I'm sure their fears and symptoms are different than mine. So, with that being said, WHO can say what will or wont work for anxiety when there are SO many different kinds.
I kinda like to look at it this way when i hear advise or someones opinion, "What is it going to hurt to try?" If its something that you are comfortable trying, then why not. You can only gain from trying new things to help, not loose. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But what if it does work, or at least help??? Then you gained SO much.
I have been sooo paralyzed by fears that i could not even TRY some of the things that people are telling me to do. For example, everyone says that exercise really helps because it releases endorphins in your brain, and i guess that is helpful for your nervous system. I have personally been afraid to work out for years, because any time that my heart rate goes up, i instantly panic. I feel out of control with my body. I am a bit overweight, so working out and exercising would only benefit me, and help my body, even if it does NOT help with my anxiety. Since i have been on my medication, that feeling of being afraid of my heart racing is slowly dissolving, and little by little I'm working up to where i can really get it going. I am not a DR, and there MAY be medical reasons why you shouldn't, but my goal for the month of May, is to be able to start an exercise routine. Will you do it with me?? I don't even know if anyone is reading this blog, but i you do.. will you be my accountability partner??
What do we have to loose?? Maybe you are the skinniest person in the world, but you could still exercise for your health right? If you are reading this, and you decide to join me would you just comment on this post, all i need you to say is ME. That way i know that i have someone out there with me on this goal.
Maybe you are like me, and its just not the right time for you to begin a workout.. and that is OK!! I know what it feels like to be unmotivated and unable to begin something like that! So maybe next month, or the next.. but i could still use the support for myself, and if you need mine for any of your challenges, i can do that too!!
SO this is my plan, figure out a way to work exercise into my routine by the end of this month. As i said before, im a bit overweight, and its limiting i feel. But i would LOVE to run, become a runner, and wake up at the crack of dawn and just set out by MYSELF, run, feel the morning air, pray, think, sing.. whatever i wanna do, just clear my head and RUN. But HAHA every time i attempt to run, lol.. its well.. lets just say things move that shouldn't.. or jiggle should i say!! HEHE
Truth is, I BELIEVE that every single person has a different kind of anxiety. My anxiety is fear of places, fear of being away from home, basically fear of having an anxiety attack. While, friends of mine have anxiety while trying to sleep and just thinking of life stresses, and I'm sure if you are reading this then you or someone you know has anxiety, and I'm sure their fears and symptoms are different than mine. So, with that being said, WHO can say what will or wont work for anxiety when there are SO many different kinds.
I kinda like to look at it this way when i hear advise or someones opinion, "What is it going to hurt to try?" If its something that you are comfortable trying, then why not. You can only gain from trying new things to help, not loose. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But what if it does work, or at least help??? Then you gained SO much.
I have been sooo paralyzed by fears that i could not even TRY some of the things that people are telling me to do. For example, everyone says that exercise really helps because it releases endorphins in your brain, and i guess that is helpful for your nervous system. I have personally been afraid to work out for years, because any time that my heart rate goes up, i instantly panic. I feel out of control with my body. I am a bit overweight, so working out and exercising would only benefit me, and help my body, even if it does NOT help with my anxiety. Since i have been on my medication, that feeling of being afraid of my heart racing is slowly dissolving, and little by little I'm working up to where i can really get it going. I am not a DR, and there MAY be medical reasons why you shouldn't, but my goal for the month of May, is to be able to start an exercise routine. Will you do it with me?? I don't even know if anyone is reading this blog, but i you do.. will you be my accountability partner??
What do we have to loose?? Maybe you are the skinniest person in the world, but you could still exercise for your health right? If you are reading this, and you decide to join me would you just comment on this post, all i need you to say is ME. That way i know that i have someone out there with me on this goal.
Maybe you are like me, and its just not the right time for you to begin a workout.. and that is OK!! I know what it feels like to be unmotivated and unable to begin something like that! So maybe next month, or the next.. but i could still use the support for myself, and if you need mine for any of your challenges, i can do that too!!
SO this is my plan, figure out a way to work exercise into my routine by the end of this month. As i said before, im a bit overweight, and its limiting i feel. But i would LOVE to run, become a runner, and wake up at the crack of dawn and just set out by MYSELF, run, feel the morning air, pray, think, sing.. whatever i wanna do, just clear my head and RUN. But HAHA every time i attempt to run, lol.. its well.. lets just say things move that shouldn't.. or jiggle should i say!! HEHE
Faith
Faith is believing and not seeing. To me its like the wind, can you see the wind?? No, but you can feel it right? If you walk outside and close your eyes, quiet your mind, you can feel the wind come over your entire body, even in the smallest of breezes. So you KNOW that the wind is there, but you cannot see it. That is how i feel about God and my faith. I know that it can be very hard at times to believe that he is real, but to me.. its just a natural part of life.. Faith.
"The truth is that you can never know everything that will be around the next corner; but you can be assured that God and his promises will be there to greet you."
I guess the point of me sharing all of that is because i do have faith, i do believe in Jesus Christ, and yet i am constantly hearing from other Christians, to "Give it to God" and "Let go and let God", "Let God carry the weight". Wouldnt that be nice, i feel myself constantly wondering how. I know that faith is blind, but i have serious issues. I know he never says that life will be easy, but that he will always be with us. My fear is, HOW????? How to i LET GO of something this BIG???
This is NOT a question of my faith, so please refrain from commenting about your own religious beliefs. i am entitled to mine, and you yours, but HOW do i let go. FOR EXAMPLE: I do not drive. I basically dont go anywhere alone at all. When i do, i have panic attacks. How am i supposed to get in my car and drive to the town over, knowing that i am going to freak out. I do have faith that he will get me through it, but i question how hard it will be, and how much anxiety will i have to endure. Its those things and those questions that keep me chained to my fears. I wish i could bolt cut the chains and hop in the car, and let faith take me to the next town. Once i get there, then what? Will i freak? I have fears that hold me captive, and to break them i need something bigger than bolt cutters.
Its scary to even sit here and type about the amount of fear i have in my life. Its scary that something so dark, and scary is controlling my life to such extreems.
I guess it all comes back to the fear of facing rejection. Just because i sit down and pray for peace in the car today, doesnt mean God is going to poof and magically make my life better. Sometimes its in the rain/ thunderstorms that we learn the most . Maybe today isnt the day that its all supposed to be better. Maybe there are things that i am ment to do before i heal. Sometimes those thoughts get me through bad days. Knowing that even in this THUNDERSTORM.. i believe that theres a reason, i will find my purpose.
I will leave you with the quote,
"such strange creatures are we that we probably smart more under blows which never fall upon us than we do under those that actually come"
"The truth is that you can never know everything that will be around the next corner; but you can be assured that God and his promises will be there to greet you."
I guess the point of me sharing all of that is because i do have faith, i do believe in Jesus Christ, and yet i am constantly hearing from other Christians, to "Give it to God" and "Let go and let God", "Let God carry the weight". Wouldnt that be nice, i feel myself constantly wondering how. I know that faith is blind, but i have serious issues. I know he never says that life will be easy, but that he will always be with us. My fear is, HOW????? How to i LET GO of something this BIG???
This is NOT a question of my faith, so please refrain from commenting about your own religious beliefs. i am entitled to mine, and you yours, but HOW do i let go. FOR EXAMPLE: I do not drive. I basically dont go anywhere alone at all. When i do, i have panic attacks. How am i supposed to get in my car and drive to the town over, knowing that i am going to freak out. I do have faith that he will get me through it, but i question how hard it will be, and how much anxiety will i have to endure. Its those things and those questions that keep me chained to my fears. I wish i could bolt cut the chains and hop in the car, and let faith take me to the next town. Once i get there, then what? Will i freak? I have fears that hold me captive, and to break them i need something bigger than bolt cutters.
Its scary to even sit here and type about the amount of fear i have in my life. Its scary that something so dark, and scary is controlling my life to such extreems.
I guess it all comes back to the fear of facing rejection. Just because i sit down and pray for peace in the car today, doesnt mean God is going to poof and magically make my life better. Sometimes its in the rain/ thunderstorms that we learn the most . Maybe today isnt the day that its all supposed to be better. Maybe there are things that i am ment to do before i heal. Sometimes those thoughts get me through bad days. Knowing that even in this THUNDERSTORM.. i believe that theres a reason, i will find my purpose.
I will leave you with the quote,
"such strange creatures are we that we probably smart more under blows which never fall upon us than we do under those that actually come"
Paralized
The Sum of all Fear
A healthy dose of fear can keep us safe, but unhealthy fear is paralyzing. It prevents us from "living" the life that we were intended for. It really limits our potential, and can prevent us from enjoying relationships, experiences, and a meaningful life.
Fear can tie us to the past, and prevent us from exploring and gaining our future.
When fear takes root in our lives they can actually turn into phobias. The truth is that everyone wrestles with some type of fears, no matter how perfect and put together on the outside. But whatever fears it is that you face, please know that you are not alone. For the very longest time i felt completely ashamed and alone. I thought i was the only person who was this "crazy" and that no one else knew what it was like to be me. Although, most of the people closest to me do not understand or know anything about the battles I'm facing, after sharing just a little bit of my story to a few people i have found out that even some of the people closest to me have similar issues. I just found out that my brother also suffers from anxiety. Not to the extreme that i do, and he is not bound and shackled by it. But recently, he was in a serious accident and he opened up to me about a lot of things.
By NO means do i feel comfort that other people suffer, but it is a bit reassuring to know that i am not alone in this. Even tho i do not know anyone directly affected with the same exact issues that i face, i know that there are plenty of people who are out there who deal with the same things as me! Hopefully, through this story/ blog, we can all connect, encourage and grow.. together!!!
I know everyone out there isn't a christian, and that is not the point of this blog, but i recently read a quote that i LOVE, and want to share!!
"The Truth is that there is NO fear from which God cannot set you Free From!!"
A healthy dose of fear can keep us safe, but unhealthy fear is paralyzing. It prevents us from "living" the life that we were intended for. It really limits our potential, and can prevent us from enjoying relationships, experiences, and a meaningful life.
Fear can tie us to the past, and prevent us from exploring and gaining our future.
When fear takes root in our lives they can actually turn into phobias. The truth is that everyone wrestles with some type of fears, no matter how perfect and put together on the outside. But whatever fears it is that you face, please know that you are not alone. For the very longest time i felt completely ashamed and alone. I thought i was the only person who was this "crazy" and that no one else knew what it was like to be me. Although, most of the people closest to me do not understand or know anything about the battles I'm facing, after sharing just a little bit of my story to a few people i have found out that even some of the people closest to me have similar issues. I just found out that my brother also suffers from anxiety. Not to the extreme that i do, and he is not bound and shackled by it. But recently, he was in a serious accident and he opened up to me about a lot of things.
By NO means do i feel comfort that other people suffer, but it is a bit reassuring to know that i am not alone in this. Even tho i do not know anyone directly affected with the same exact issues that i face, i know that there are plenty of people who are out there who deal with the same things as me! Hopefully, through this story/ blog, we can all connect, encourage and grow.. together!!!
I know everyone out there isn't a christian, and that is not the point of this blog, but i recently read a quote that i LOVE, and want to share!!
"The Truth is that there is NO fear from which God cannot set you Free From!!"
Jumping from the top step
I once read that a panic attack is basically your nervous system standing at the top of a flight of stairs, and jumping all the way down to the bottom without walking the steps in between. Your panic goes from 0 to 100 in a split second. The same source also said that a normal amount of fear is completely healthy. When you see a stove burner lit up all red, we KNOW not to touch that bc we will be burned. When you are standing at the top of a mountain looking over the edge, you are afraid to fall, that fear is good because if you didnt have that fear, you would be jumping down the side and probably dying or getting seriously injuried. So in THAT aspect there is a healthy dose of fear. Those of who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, we skip all the steps in a normal amount of fear. A normal fear is walking from the top of the stairs to the bottom maybe a little bit faster than normal bc you are in a hurry. But WE, just leap from top to bottom with our emotions.
A book i read called, "Overcoming Fear, Worry and Axiety", by Elyse Fitzpatrick, gives a PERFECT EXAMPLE of the cycle of our bodies loosing control. ( a panic attack is loosing control). Its basically like a Downward spirial. Picture with me if you can, a tornado. How they funnel, the top is big and the bottom is small. Ok... so we are looking at our tornado, and these are the order of emotions:
*The Desire to control some aspect of your world leads to:
*The realization that life is out of your control, leading to:
*The physical appearance of fear,
*Leading to the desire to control the fear experience as well as the circumstances,
*Leading to anger, isolation, depression, and a
*world that grows smaller and smaller and more and more out of control,
*Leading to increased efforts to control and more fears, and so on!
One of my favorite quotes from this same book, is:
"Fear is a more dangerous enemy than those that you fear..."
-Thomas Watson
Basically, when you are having anxiety, i used to believe that it was something that i can control. Like i was doing it to myself. I believed that all the symptoms were all in my head. But really, they are all quite real. They may be false fears, such as thinking that i cannot breath, but they are physically happening to me.
When we are nervous or have fear, our heart rate beings to speed, which causes adrenaline to release, and our bodies are in panic mode, and we are looking for something to be afraid of. We are truly afraid, and experiencing the heavy chest, dizziness, and or whatever symptoms accompany your anxiety, but really we are subcontiously controlling them and causing them.
I know that most of this makes no sense at all, and sometimes i wonder why i want to know so much about it, but i used to be afraid to know how or why, and now i am hoping that it will help me find my answers. Hope it helps you find yours too!!
A book i read called, "Overcoming Fear, Worry and Axiety", by Elyse Fitzpatrick, gives a PERFECT EXAMPLE of the cycle of our bodies loosing control. ( a panic attack is loosing control). Its basically like a Downward spirial. Picture with me if you can, a tornado. How they funnel, the top is big and the bottom is small. Ok... so we are looking at our tornado, and these are the order of emotions:
*The Desire to control some aspect of your world leads to:
*The realization that life is out of your control, leading to:
*The physical appearance of fear,
*Leading to the desire to control the fear experience as well as the circumstances,
*Leading to anger, isolation, depression, and a
*world that grows smaller and smaller and more and more out of control,
*Leading to increased efforts to control and more fears, and so on!
One of my favorite quotes from this same book, is:
"Fear is a more dangerous enemy than those that you fear..."
-Thomas Watson
Basically, when you are having anxiety, i used to believe that it was something that i can control. Like i was doing it to myself. I believed that all the symptoms were all in my head. But really, they are all quite real. They may be false fears, such as thinking that i cannot breath, but they are physically happening to me.
When we are nervous or have fear, our heart rate beings to speed, which causes adrenaline to release, and our bodies are in panic mode, and we are looking for something to be afraid of. We are truly afraid, and experiencing the heavy chest, dizziness, and or whatever symptoms accompany your anxiety, but really we are subcontiously controlling them and causing them.
I know that most of this makes no sense at all, and sometimes i wonder why i want to know so much about it, but i used to be afraid to know how or why, and now i am hoping that it will help me find my answers. Hope it helps you find yours too!!
Pointing fingers
Odd title.. i know. But its the only thing that i could describe the way that i am feeling right now. I know that anxiety is taken over my life, and i fully acknowledge that there are people out there with much bigger problems that i do, but pointing fingers does not help.
I do take medication for my issues, and to a certain extent they do help, however they will never go away until i get to the source of my problems and deal with them. That is my goal, i don't want to just take medication forever and try to burry my problems in it, i want to know the source and fix it.
So i have been told that once your Neurological system gets out of whack,its extremely hard to get it back on track. For example, say that you were involved in a car accident when you were 5 that you barely remember, but to this day you are incredibly terrified of cars, or highways, or back seats.. something. As you sit at your dr's office and discuss the anxiety problems that you have today, you never even think that the source could have began when you were 5 years old, and been out of whack since then. Every other problem or issue along the way may just have threw you more off track and more off track until finally you are like me and ready to explode!!
i wish that i knew the original source of my problems, and hopefully through therapy and counseling i will find out what it is and move forward with my life. I can remember having certain things that i never really thought were issues when i was younger. i liked to line things up perfectly, and like when i had a message on my cell phone, i could NOT leave it there. it would absolutely drive me crazy until i checked it. I might have some OCD problems as well.. LOL! Why not just add it to my list of crazy!
There are days i do feel like a crazy person. Do you ever sit at a table at a restraunt and just look around at all the people smiling and just wish, just for one min. that you were smiling too. that you didn't have the weight of the world on your shoulders, to be free from it. I feel like my anxiety is a chain around my ankles!! I am completely stuck.
I have also recently been told that there are some "natural" vitamins and herbs and stuff that are good for your neurological system, and for your mind, and nerves. KavaKava extract, Lemon balm extract, and camomile. I have NOT tried these things, but hey.. i would be willing to try just about anything that is not medication related.
No one has an easy life. I find myself looking at others sometimes in envy, but seriously i need to be thankful for my life even though im in a cage. One day i will find out my reasons, and it will all become very very clear.
I do take medication for my issues, and to a certain extent they do help, however they will never go away until i get to the source of my problems and deal with them. That is my goal, i don't want to just take medication forever and try to burry my problems in it, i want to know the source and fix it.
So i have been told that once your Neurological system gets out of whack,its extremely hard to get it back on track. For example, say that you were involved in a car accident when you were 5 that you barely remember, but to this day you are incredibly terrified of cars, or highways, or back seats.. something. As you sit at your dr's office and discuss the anxiety problems that you have today, you never even think that the source could have began when you were 5 years old, and been out of whack since then. Every other problem or issue along the way may just have threw you more off track and more off track until finally you are like me and ready to explode!!
i wish that i knew the original source of my problems, and hopefully through therapy and counseling i will find out what it is and move forward with my life. I can remember having certain things that i never really thought were issues when i was younger. i liked to line things up perfectly, and like when i had a message on my cell phone, i could NOT leave it there. it would absolutely drive me crazy until i checked it. I might have some OCD problems as well.. LOL! Why not just add it to my list of crazy!
There are days i do feel like a crazy person. Do you ever sit at a table at a restraunt and just look around at all the people smiling and just wish, just for one min. that you were smiling too. that you didn't have the weight of the world on your shoulders, to be free from it. I feel like my anxiety is a chain around my ankles!! I am completely stuck.
I have also recently been told that there are some "natural" vitamins and herbs and stuff that are good for your neurological system, and for your mind, and nerves. KavaKava extract, Lemon balm extract, and camomile. I have NOT tried these things, but hey.. i would be willing to try just about anything that is not medication related.
No one has an easy life. I find myself looking at others sometimes in envy, but seriously i need to be thankful for my life even though im in a cage. One day i will find out my reasons, and it will all become very very clear.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
My fears
This green is a good representation of how i feel today. i really don't know why, or how that makes a whole lot of sense LOL.. but i felt intrigued to share that! HA!!
Typically everyone has a different idea of what "ANXIETY" and "PANIC ATTACK" means. i hear people constantly say things like i just about had a panic attack, or I'm having so much anxiety, and i totally believe that they are experiencing those feelings. But for me personally, its much more than my heart racing, or getting that nervous feeling inside my gut. all of those reactions really do happen to me as well. But much more happens.
Somewhere along the line, i have created patters for myself. For example, lets say i went to Walmart today, and i had a "panic attack" ( which i will explain MY definition of in a bit). So I'm at Walmart and i have an attack, and then from that point on, i associate Walmart with that attack. So i no longer want to go to Walmart because last time that i was there, i had an attack. And the next day i went to Subway and i had an attack, and so i no longer want to go to subway because i assume that because i had an attack last time that i will have another one this time. i created a cycle for myself to the point that i wouldn't leave my home, because adventually i had "panic attacks" just about everywhere, so basically i wanted to go... no where!!
I lived that way for months, i actually had my husband go to the grocery store for me and i would talk to him on the phone and tell him what to grab as he went down each isle. Thankfully, i was blessed with a decent man, and i had him to go for me, but you get the point. Then the guilt that i felt for never leaving, and for making my husband do it all, overcame me, and i believe that i actually convinced myself at one point that i was justified. That it was all ok for my husband to do it all, i mean he said " for better or for worse" right?
I did see a Dr shortly after that point, and began taking medicine, and with help from my family, i have regained some of my territory! Like i said before i will go within a certain diameter of my home, but other than that i am still stuck. you can imagine the depression that goes along with just that. i feel like a disease, and a disappointment to my family!! it really takes a toll on your emotional happiness as well as physical.
I believe my fears are about having an actual panic attack. i believe that i am truly just afraid of the attack. i know that they come in all sizes and shapes, and panic attacks are generally different for everyone, but for me, it all begins with this feeling where i feel out of control of my body, i get a little light headed, and suddenly I'm sweating, and anxious, and my breathing quickens, and my chest feels tight, and i feel as though i cant breathe, and i know that i can, but i just feel like i cannot get a good deep breath. like when you have a chest cold and breathing deep physically hurts. It becomes difficult for me to walk because my legs feel like jello. i can know whats going on but my ability to think becomes clouded. its like I'm outside of my body, and all the normal communications that your brain sends out to your body, just don't work. Its very very terrifying. a second seems like a min, and a min seems like an hour. and all i want to do is get home, because at home.. i can freak out and not be embarrassed, or lay down on the floor and expand my lungs and take deep breaths, its just the place where i feel comfort from the rest of the world.
I feel that its so easy for others to say just think about something else, or recite a bible verse, or pray.. but in that moment of fear, all those feelings are very real, and its the hardest thing in the world to do to change your thoughts away from the thought of not breathing when you genuinely feel as though your having difficult breathing.
Ive been told that a panic attack can never last more than 25 min.?? I do not know this for a fact, and cannot even remember where i herd it, but i in fact was told that physically it cannot last more than 25 min. Now, for me.. at least i know there is an end, however.. 25 min???? That is a very long time!!
SO.. this is a glimpse of my fears! i told you, its a dark place up here sometimes.. LOL! stay tuned for more :)
I feel that its so easy for others to say just think about something else, or recite a bible verse, or pray.. but in that moment of fear, all those feelings are very real, and its the hardest thing in the world to do to change your thoughts away from the thought of not breathing when you genuinely feel as though your having difficult breathing.
Ive been told that a panic attack can never last more than 25 min.?? I do not know this for a fact, and cannot even remember where i herd it, but i in fact was told that physically it cannot last more than 25 min. Now, for me.. at least i know there is an end, however.. 25 min???? That is a very long time!!
SO.. this is a glimpse of my fears! i told you, its a dark place up here sometimes.. LOL! stay tuned for more :)
a step in my shoes
First of all, I would like to formally thank you for reading, and i truly hope that i can help, encourage and or inspire someone the way others have inspired me through their personal stories.
Secondly, i am by no means a professional writer, and my spelling stinks, and my grammar and punctuation stinks worse!! So please be aware of this before you read.
Third and lastly, i want everyone to know why i am starting this and sharing it with as little as a few or the entire world to see. I struggle with fear, worry, anxiety, depression, and panic attacks on a daily basis. They have basically taken over my life in full, and i want to share my thoughts and story, for a few reasons. One, because in my head, sometimes its nice to just vent and let it all out, and for some reason blogging sounded like a great escape for me and my thoughts. Secondly, and most importantly, i believe that everyone gets through their struggles maybe just a hair easier, when you have fellow friends and or acquaintances who are there for support, for advise, for or they are in a similar situation and they just need to know that they are not alone.
I have felt completely alone for many years now. i feel like i have some kind of disease that i don't want anyone to know that i have. i am afraid to be judged and labeled. while many of you may be thinking that this isn't exactly outing myself, its a step. its one step in the right directions. i don't believe that everyone needs to yell from the roof top that they have issues, but i do think that the people closest to you need to know, but like my mom told me recently. " no one really knows exactly what is going on with you because you share so little, and no one can really help with or be there and support you, pray for you, or anything because we don't really know how."
Just a brief background on me, i am 28 years old, love the Lord with all my heart and soul, mother of one precious 6 year old boy, wife to a wonderful husband, sister to 6 plus 2 sister in laws, daughter to the most wonderful and supportive parents a girl could ask for, and i struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Most of my anxiety has been in my early to current 20's, although i did have some mild when i was in high school. i would love to tell you i have a magic cure or secret pill that i take that makes it all ok, but .. i don't. i am on medication for my anxiety, and i do see a dr and a counselor.
With all that being said, i know that my blog title is totally over rated, " just one step in my shoes" but to me it speaks volumes. Most people refer to their situation like, "walk a mile in my shoes", but for me, i like one step better. as i sit her typing, i do know that my life could be much much worse than it is, and i know this. i am not asking for a pity party, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. i just know that NO ONE has a clue what it feels like to walk in my shoes. Everyone has been or is in similar situations, but none of us know how the other person is feeling, because we haven't walked in their shoes.
I serve an amazing God, and i know that ive had some dark times, and there are days i pray and pray and pray and ask God WHY me, why do i have to live this way, but at the end of the day, in the quiet of the evening, i KNOW that i have a purpose. I dont know what that is quite yet, and i dont claim to understand this, or wish it upon anyone. What i do know, is there is a reason why i can barely leave my home on some days. why i let my drivers license expire in 2009, and its not 2013. Why i feel the need to stay within 15 min of my home at all times?? i do not know why, but i do that there is a reason that only My God knows, and one day i will know.
I plan to blog my thoughts, my experiences, pretty much whatever comes into this sometimes dark head of mine. SO .. please join me on my journey, and id love to hear some of your personal struggles as well.
Secondly, i am by no means a professional writer, and my spelling stinks, and my grammar and punctuation stinks worse!! So please be aware of this before you read.
Third and lastly, i want everyone to know why i am starting this and sharing it with as little as a few or the entire world to see. I struggle with fear, worry, anxiety, depression, and panic attacks on a daily basis. They have basically taken over my life in full, and i want to share my thoughts and story, for a few reasons. One, because in my head, sometimes its nice to just vent and let it all out, and for some reason blogging sounded like a great escape for me and my thoughts. Secondly, and most importantly, i believe that everyone gets through their struggles maybe just a hair easier, when you have fellow friends and or acquaintances who are there for support, for advise, for or they are in a similar situation and they just need to know that they are not alone.
I have felt completely alone for many years now. i feel like i have some kind of disease that i don't want anyone to know that i have. i am afraid to be judged and labeled. while many of you may be thinking that this isn't exactly outing myself, its a step. its one step in the right directions. i don't believe that everyone needs to yell from the roof top that they have issues, but i do think that the people closest to you need to know, but like my mom told me recently. " no one really knows exactly what is going on with you because you share so little, and no one can really help with or be there and support you, pray for you, or anything because we don't really know how."
Just a brief background on me, i am 28 years old, love the Lord with all my heart and soul, mother of one precious 6 year old boy, wife to a wonderful husband, sister to 6 plus 2 sister in laws, daughter to the most wonderful and supportive parents a girl could ask for, and i struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Most of my anxiety has been in my early to current 20's, although i did have some mild when i was in high school. i would love to tell you i have a magic cure or secret pill that i take that makes it all ok, but .. i don't. i am on medication for my anxiety, and i do see a dr and a counselor.
With all that being said, i know that my blog title is totally over rated, " just one step in my shoes" but to me it speaks volumes. Most people refer to their situation like, "walk a mile in my shoes", but for me, i like one step better. as i sit her typing, i do know that my life could be much much worse than it is, and i know this. i am not asking for a pity party, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. i just know that NO ONE has a clue what it feels like to walk in my shoes. Everyone has been or is in similar situations, but none of us know how the other person is feeling, because we haven't walked in their shoes.
I serve an amazing God, and i know that ive had some dark times, and there are days i pray and pray and pray and ask God WHY me, why do i have to live this way, but at the end of the day, in the quiet of the evening, i KNOW that i have a purpose. I dont know what that is quite yet, and i dont claim to understand this, or wish it upon anyone. What i do know, is there is a reason why i can barely leave my home on some days. why i let my drivers license expire in 2009, and its not 2013. Why i feel the need to stay within 15 min of my home at all times?? i do not know why, but i do that there is a reason that only My God knows, and one day i will know.
I plan to blog my thoughts, my experiences, pretty much whatever comes into this sometimes dark head of mine. SO .. please join me on my journey, and id love to hear some of your personal struggles as well.
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