Wow. it has almost been a year since i have written. I feel like i have to much to say, and so little time and space to do it. I am no better than i was a year ago. Im still hurting inside. No light at the end of my path. I find myself questioning my parenting and my ability to be a good wife and friend. I have created relationships that consist of people coming to my house for a game night, but aside from that.. i have no friends. I have no one to pick up the phone and vent to other than my mom, who might i add is amazing. I miss friendships tho. I miss going out with girls. I used to have a few of those along the way. No one has ever stuck around because as much as i need their friendship, they need mine too. And i cannot provide to them the same thing i need. They always say that a good friend will drop what they are doing and be there any time, any place and any day.. well... guess what, as much as i want to be that friend... i cannot. I cannot go to the mall with you, or meet you for coffee to talk or to get pedis while we talk about life and all that is going on. I am always able to talk to you on the phone, but sometimes that just isnt enough, i know that it wouldnt be enough for me. So, its kinda wrong to expect it to be enough for anyone else. So i sit in these walls and i think, and i cry, and i hurt, and i think of what life was and wish it could be again. I know that its not all bad. I am a mother. I have a 7 year old son who is my world. I would do anything i can for him. I am his hero here at the house. I am his everything. He wants me to be with him 24/7 and play with him. He wants to me let him help with dinner and dishes and everything.. but when we leave here, i think that he knows.. he has to rely on his daddy or whoever else we are with. it breaks my heart. He plays basketball, and thank The Lord that his games are all in our city, and they are farther than i go with my husband so i call my dad every week and ask him to take me to the games, and he does.. but i always wonder how my son feels? Does he know im not the awesome mom he used to think i was? Does he think he can count on me?? Does he feel like if he needs something he can always come to me??
Maybe its my own insecurities. I found this song. It means so much to me i dont even know how to explain it to you, im gonna share the lyrics. If you get a chance.. PLEASE look it up and listen to it. It is called, " When I Leave The Room" by Natalie Grant.
Goodnight
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs
And I know that were okay
Sleep Tight
I Love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees ill stay
Good night
5 little fingers holding mine
take flight
into your dreams and lullabies
Theres nothing more that i can do
but just fall more in love with you
and ask the angel armies to stand by
when i leave the room
Im gonna fail you
i already have
ten thousand times
i will fall down flat
you'll have a seat in the front row
of everything i dont know
and all im trying to be
you'll see
Goodnight
There will be storms that we come though
in time
we will slay dragons me and you
Ill always wanna hold you tight
keep you safe with all my might
so i will leave Jesus next to you
when i leave the room
and you will run ahead
as if you know the way
and i will pray more
then one should have to pray
there will be words we cant take back
silences too
and ill be on my knees
you'll see
one night
when i am old and unsteady
you'll want me to fight
but ill tell you that im ready
when theres nothing left to do
i will still be loving you
then you'll fold your fingers into mine
and i will let Jesus hold you tight
when i leave the room
Just typing this song gives me goosebumps.. so powerful.. so true. Hopefully one day my son sees that just because i cannot leave my house very much.. that i love him more than imaginable!!
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