Faith

Faith is believing and not seeing. To me its like the wind, can you see the wind?? No, but you can feel it right? If you walk outside and close your eyes, quiet your mind, you can feel the wind come over your entire body, even in the smallest of breezes. So you KNOW that the wind is there, but you cannot see it. That is how i feel about God and my faith. I know that it can be very hard at times to believe that he is real, but to me.. its just a natural part of life.. Faith.

"The truth is that you can never know everything that will be around the next corner; but you can be assured that God and his promises will be there to greet you."

I guess the point of me sharing all of that is because i do have faith, i do believe in Jesus Christ, and yet i am constantly hearing from other Christians, to "Give it to God" and "Let go and let God", "Let God carry the weight". Wouldnt that be nice, i feel myself constantly wondering how. I know that faith is blind, but i have serious issues. I know he never says that life will be easy, but that he will always be with us. My fear is, HOW????? How to i LET GO of something this BIG??? 

This is NOT a question of my faith, so please refrain from commenting about your own religious beliefs. i am entitled to mine, and you yours, but HOW do i let go. FOR EXAMPLE: I do not drive. I basically dont go anywhere alone at all. When i do, i have panic attacks. How am i supposed to get in my car and drive to the town over, knowing that i am going to freak out. I do have faith that he will get me through it, but i question how hard it will be, and how much anxiety will i have to endure. Its those things and those questions that keep me chained to my fears. I wish i could bolt cut the chains and hop in the car, and let faith take me to the next town. Once i get there, then what? Will i freak? I have fears that hold me captive, and to break them i need something bigger than bolt cutters.

Its scary to even sit here and type about the amount of fear i have in my life. Its scary that something so dark, and scary is controlling my life to such extreems. 

I guess it all comes back to the fear of facing rejection. Just because i sit down and pray for peace in the car today, doesnt mean God is going to poof and magically make my life better. Sometimes its in the rain/ thunderstorms that we learn the most . Maybe today isnt the day that its all supposed to be better. Maybe there are things that i am ment to do before i heal. Sometimes those thoughts get me through bad days. Knowing that even in this THUNDERSTORM.. i believe that theres a reason, i will find my purpose.

I will leave you with the quote, 

"such strange creatures are we that we probably smart more under blows which never fall upon us than we do under those that actually come"