Work

We all know that anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes, and that what is happening in my life, well it may not be happening in yours. However, one of the struggles i am currently having is working. About 6 and a half years ago, i was working full time, and had a wedding coming up, a 1 month old baby boy that was a distant family members that needed a good home. I was a HOT MESS! I was stressed at work, stressed at home, stressed about becoming a parent, stressed about the wedding, and marriage. That was when i started having anxiety at work. I can remember going into the bathroom while at work, and lying on the floor and taking deep slow breaths so try and slow my anxiety. I worked at a bank and was not exactly able to just leave the line whenever i felt like it, so it became a problem. Little by little i had more and more, i started calling off work, my work finally told me that i couldn't call off anymore or i was fired. at the time, no one not even my husband knew what was REALLY GOING ON, so i was telling everyone that they were treating me badly, and bad hours, and i didn't even tell them i was calling off, i lied and said that it was because they cut my hours. SO i knew that i needed a job, so i started looking for another job in the mean time because i knew it was only a matter of time until i was fired. SO i found a new job who was understanding about the upcoming wedding, and family matters, and such, so i was hired with a 2 week start date. I then called off at the bank the next day, KNOWING that i was going to be fired. After that, i just quit showing up there all together. Now, to them and anyone else who knew the truth, i looked like a slacker, a bad employee, all that and more. But deep down, i was beating myself up because i didn't know why i was feeling this way, and i just wanted it to stop, so i could go on with my life. 

At the new job, things were better but not great. I remember during training, i faked puking in the bathroom so i could go home early bc i was having anxiety. I remember the day like it was yesterday, it was a wednesday, and i was scheduled to be off that friday for wedding preparations. I went to the bathroom to try my usual calm down routine, laid down, called someone to talk on the phone just to distract me, and then i went back and sat down at my desk. Everything went blurry, my head was spinning and i PANICKED!!!!  Grabbed my things, walked out. Never told a soul i was leaving, just left. Got in my car and drove straight to my husbands work. Told him i was having anxiety and that i needed him, he came outside and sat with me for a while. once i was calmed down he went back to work and i went home. i wrote an email to my work later that day and said i was so sick and needed to be home. Called off the next day, and later that day, thursday; my boss called and told me that i needed to get my things after my honeymoon and find a new job. that it wasn't working out. Thursday, my wedding was on saturday!!!! I was embarrassed, afraid to tell anyone, and most importantly mad at myself.. just ashamed. 

SO... THIRD JOB!! HAHA.. found a new job right after the wedding and honeymoon. Worked there about 3 weeks, and at that point we had taken legal custody of our son and he was at a sitter, and i was constantly stressed. working all day, coming home taking care of an infant that i had no clue what to do with, my husband wasn't that much of a help with the baby, and i felt like i was carrying it all on my own. I told everyone that i wanted to stay home with my son, and i did, but the real reason was because i couldn't hold a job. I was beginning to have the same anxiety issues as i was at the previous jobs, and i knew it was only a matter of time anyways, so i just figured id nip it in the butt before it nipped my butt!

No one wanted me to stay home, my dad had paid for my college education, and thought it was all a waste and my husband wasn't happy because we were living very comfortably with 2 incomes, and was afraid that since we had a new baby we couldn't afford it if i didn't work. He had totally legit concerns, but at the time i was not willing to admit defeat and tell everyone my problems. My husband knew slightly of them, but didn't know that they were ruining my life! I didn't know at that time, that by letting the fear win, and letting it take control over my situation, that that was the beginning of a HUGE PROBLEM!!!

Sometimes i wish i could go back to that point in my life and realize the problems i had, and get help before i got this far. I think about how different things would have been for me. and as much as i would love to change the things that happened and how i handled the situation..  i cannot. i have to move forward and trust and have faith that this is all part of Gods plan for my life. I am who i am today
because of the experiences in my life.

My husband and i are trying to purchase our first home and are having a lot of problems due to my lack of income! SO that is sooo stressful on me and my marriage. Its so hard to live this way sometimes. BUt i have NO choice but to trust and have faith that it will work out, even if its not how i want it to work out.