its been a while

Wow. it has almost been a year since i have written. I feel like i have to much to say, and so little time and space to do it. I am no better than i was a year ago. Im still hurting inside. No light at the end of my   path. I find myself questioning my parenting and my ability to be a good wife and friend. I have created relationships that consist of people coming to my house for a game night, but aside from that.. i have no friends. I have no one to pick up the phone and vent to other than my mom, who might i add is amazing. I miss friendships tho. I miss going out with girls. I used to have a few of those along the way. No one has ever stuck around because as much as i need their friendship, they need mine too. And i cannot provide to them the same thing i need. They always say that a good friend will drop what they are doing and be there any time, any place and any day.. well... guess what, as much as i want to be that friend... i cannot. I cannot go to the mall with you, or meet you for coffee to talk or to get pedis while we talk about life and all that is going on. I am always able to talk to you on the phone, but sometimes that just isnt enough, i know that it wouldnt be enough for me. So, its kinda wrong to expect it to be enough for anyone else. So i sit in these walls and i think, and i cry, and i hurt, and i think of what life was and wish it could be again. I know that its not all bad. I am a mother. I have a 7 year old son who is my world. I would do anything i can for him. I am his hero here at the house. I am his everything. He wants me to be with him 24/7 and play with him. He wants to me let him help with dinner and dishes and everything.. but when we leave here, i think that he knows.. he has to rely on his daddy or whoever else we are with. it breaks my heart. He plays basketball, and thank The Lord that his games are all in our city, and they are farther than i go with my husband so i call my dad every week and ask him to take me to the games, and he does.. but i always wonder how my son feels? Does he know im not the awesome mom he used to think i was? Does he think he can count on me?? Does he feel like if he needs something he can always come to me??

Maybe its my own insecurities. I found this song. It means so much to me i dont even know how to explain it to you, im gonna share the lyrics. If you get a chance.. PLEASE look it up and listen to it. It is called, " When I Leave The Room" by Natalie Grant.

Goodnight

Looks like we made it through the day

The moon sighs

And I know that were okay

Sleep Tight

I Love to watch you drift away

I would come with you but on my knees ill stay

Good night

5 little fingers holding mine

take flight

into your dreams and lullabies

Theres nothing more that i can do

but just fall more in love with you

and ask the angel armies to stand by

when i leave the room

Im gonna fail you

i already have

ten thousand times

i will fall down flat

you'll have a seat in the front row

of everything i dont know

and all im trying to be

you'll see

Goodnight

There will be storms that we come though

in time

we will slay dragons me and you

Ill always wanna hold you tight

keep you safe with all my might

so i will leave Jesus next to you

when i leave the room

and you will run ahead 

as if you know the way

and i will pray more

then one should have to pray

there will be words we cant take back

silences too

and ill be on my knees

you'll see

one night

when i am old and unsteady

you'll want me to fight

but ill tell you that im ready

when theres nothing left to do

i will still be loving you

then you'll fold your fingers into mine

and i will let Jesus hold you tight

when i leave the room

Just typing this song gives me goosebumps.. so powerful.. so true. Hopefully one day my son sees that just because i cannot leave my house very much.. that i love him more than imaginable!!

Trying to remember who i am

Its so hard to think back to the person that I was before anxiety took over. I know that if any of you are at all like me, your probably tired of hearing about anxiety period, and unfortunately its part of your daily life no matter how hard you wish it wasn't!!

When I was 22, I got married and adopted a child. I was a baby still. I know literally I was far from a baby, but as far as my life experiences I was a baby. I may have had a college degree and had the world at my finger tips, but I had NO clue what to do with any of it. Over night I was a wife and a mother, and I didn't have any time to figure out who I was! Who did I want to be, who was I meant to be??

Wish I could sit here and say that I know now, but sadly I still feel like my life is unknown. Sometimes, I like to think positively and think that maybe this was my chance for a clean slate. I didn't really like the person that I used to be, and I didn't really like the friends that I had during that period of my life anyways. So maybe a blessing in disguise?

Maybe its my chance to take back over who I am. I have maybe 5 friends, well five friends that I would actually be interested in them being any part of my life. The people that my husband and I both were friends with before my issues began are not exactly the kind of people that I want my son to be around. Not to say that they are terrible people, I just think we have a lot less in common than we once did!

I used to be young, dumb and stupid. LOL.. I think some and maybe most of us can agree with that. I was raised in a Christian home, and I FELT at the time that my mom was trying to control my life and everything I did. Looking back now I realize that she loved me and wanted to protect me from the things that I am experiencing now. That is not the point though, I was a into drinking and partying, and the "friends" that I had, and thought were great friends, true colors were revealed when I decided that drinking wasn't the path I wanted to take anymore. Luckily, my husband made the cut ; as for everyone else. They are basically just acquaintances now. Distant memories. When I think back to my life, I cant even believe that was me? It feels like a dream, or a movie I watched. No it was me.

Before my critics get defensive, I am NOT saying that there is anything wrong with drinking and enjoying yourself. My path to destruction began with my EXCESSIVE drinking and careless behavior while drinking, so it was a decision I needed to make for MYSELF. Also at the beginning stages of my anxiety, being drunk caused me to have panic attacks. I'm guessing that the lack of control of myself might be a factor. So what I am saying is, TO EACH THEIR OWN! No judgment here!!

So, I am on the search to find me! Who am I? What do I want to be?? Like I said before, maybe this is my chance to start over. Kind of like I moved to a new state and could meet all new people and have a fresh start. Right now, I feel that the people in my life will be along for whatever journey I decide to take in my life, and that is a good feeling!!

Life is easier, at least for me to have good family and friends by your side. Hopefully, I will meet lots of new people through my blogging journey and can live an even more fulfilled life.

So, who do I want to be? I can be anyone? It feels freeing just to say that! Although, I still want to be first and foremost a great wife and mother, I need to find out what makes me - me, and what brings me joy inside. I know that have a servants heart which makes me want to please everyone else. I think that I have done that all my life, and although being a servant is a gift that God has given me, and I will continue to serve, I also need to serve my own needs to be happy and healthy!!

Work

We all know that anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes, and that what is happening in my life, well it may not be happening in yours. However, one of the struggles i am currently having is working. About 6 and a half years ago, i was working full time, and had a wedding coming up, a 1 month old baby boy that was a distant family members that needed a good home. I was a HOT MESS! I was stressed at work, stressed at home, stressed about becoming a parent, stressed about the wedding, and marriage. That was when i started having anxiety at work. I can remember going into the bathroom while at work, and lying on the floor and taking deep slow breaths so try and slow my anxiety. I worked at a bank and was not exactly able to just leave the line whenever i felt like it, so it became a problem. Little by little i had more and more, i started calling off work, my work finally told me that i couldn't call off anymore or i was fired. at the time, no one not even my husband knew what was REALLY GOING ON, so i was telling everyone that they were treating me badly, and bad hours, and i didn't even tell them i was calling off, i lied and said that it was because they cut my hours. SO i knew that i needed a job, so i started looking for another job in the mean time because i knew it was only a matter of time until i was fired. SO i found a new job who was understanding about the upcoming wedding, and family matters, and such, so i was hired with a 2 week start date. I then called off at the bank the next day, KNOWING that i was going to be fired. After that, i just quit showing up there all together. Now, to them and anyone else who knew the truth, i looked like a slacker, a bad employee, all that and more. But deep down, i was beating myself up because i didn't know why i was feeling this way, and i just wanted it to stop, so i could go on with my life. 

At the new job, things were better but not great. I remember during training, i faked puking in the bathroom so i could go home early bc i was having anxiety. I remember the day like it was yesterday, it was a wednesday, and i was scheduled to be off that friday for wedding preparations. I went to the bathroom to try my usual calm down routine, laid down, called someone to talk on the phone just to distract me, and then i went back and sat down at my desk. Everything went blurry, my head was spinning and i PANICKED!!!!  Grabbed my things, walked out. Never told a soul i was leaving, just left. Got in my car and drove straight to my husbands work. Told him i was having anxiety and that i needed him, he came outside and sat with me for a while. once i was calmed down he went back to work and i went home. i wrote an email to my work later that day and said i was so sick and needed to be home. Called off the next day, and later that day, thursday; my boss called and told me that i needed to get my things after my honeymoon and find a new job. that it wasn't working out. Thursday, my wedding was on saturday!!!! I was embarrassed, afraid to tell anyone, and most importantly mad at myself.. just ashamed. 

SO... THIRD JOB!! HAHA.. found a new job right after the wedding and honeymoon. Worked there about 3 weeks, and at that point we had taken legal custody of our son and he was at a sitter, and i was constantly stressed. working all day, coming home taking care of an infant that i had no clue what to do with, my husband wasn't that much of a help with the baby, and i felt like i was carrying it all on my own. I told everyone that i wanted to stay home with my son, and i did, but the real reason was because i couldn't hold a job. I was beginning to have the same anxiety issues as i was at the previous jobs, and i knew it was only a matter of time anyways, so i just figured id nip it in the butt before it nipped my butt!

No one wanted me to stay home, my dad had paid for my college education, and thought it was all a waste and my husband wasn't happy because we were living very comfortably with 2 incomes, and was afraid that since we had a new baby we couldn't afford it if i didn't work. He had totally legit concerns, but at the time i was not willing to admit defeat and tell everyone my problems. My husband knew slightly of them, but didn't know that they were ruining my life! I didn't know at that time, that by letting the fear win, and letting it take control over my situation, that that was the beginning of a HUGE PROBLEM!!!

Sometimes i wish i could go back to that point in my life and realize the problems i had, and get help before i got this far. I think about how different things would have been for me. and as much as i would love to change the things that happened and how i handled the situation..  i cannot. i have to move forward and trust and have faith that this is all part of Gods plan for my life. I am who i am today
because of the experiences in my life.

My husband and i are trying to purchase our first home and are having a lot of problems due to my lack of income! SO that is sooo stressful on me and my marriage. Its so hard to live this way sometimes. BUt i have NO choice but to trust and have faith that it will work out, even if its not how i want it to work out.

SO ive been told...

So, I'm sure like me you have all been give lots of advise from others about how you should or shouldn't  deal with your anxiety. What you should or shouldn't eat, what you should and shouldn't take as far as medication. It can be overwhelming and quite frustrating, anyone else feel this way??

Truth is, I BELIEVE that every single person has a different kind of anxiety. My anxiety is fear of places, fear of being away from home, basically fear of having an anxiety attack. While, friends of mine have anxiety while trying to sleep and just thinking of life stresses, and I'm sure if you are reading this then you or someone you know has anxiety, and I'm sure their fears and symptoms are different than mine. So, with that being said, WHO can say what will or wont work for anxiety when there are SO many different kinds. 

I kinda like to look at it this way when i hear advise or someones opinion, "What is it going to hurt to try?" If its something that you are comfortable trying, then why not. You can only gain from trying new things to help, not loose. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But what if it does work, or at least help??? Then you gained SO much.

I have been sooo paralyzed by fears that i could not even TRY some of the things that people are telling me to do. For example, everyone says that exercise really helps because it releases endorphins in your brain, and i guess that is helpful for your nervous system. I have personally been afraid to work out for years, because any time that my heart rate goes up, i instantly panic. I feel out of control with my body. I am a bit overweight, so working out and exercising would only benefit me, and help my body, even if it does NOT help with my anxiety. Since i have been on my medication, that feeling of being afraid of my heart racing is slowly dissolving, and little by little I'm working up to where i can really get it going. I am not a DR, and there MAY be medical reasons why you shouldn't, but my goal for the month of May, is to be able to start an exercise routine. Will you do it with me?? I don't even know if anyone is reading this blog, but i you do.. will you be my accountability partner??

What do we have to loose?? Maybe you are the skinniest person in the world, but you could still exercise for your health right? If you are reading this, and you decide to join me would you just comment on this post, all i need you to say is ME. That way i know that i have someone out there with me on this goal.

Maybe you are like me, and its just not the right time for you to begin a workout.. and that is OK!! I know what it feels like to be unmotivated and unable to begin something like that! So maybe next month, or the next.. but i could still use the support for myself, and if you need mine for any of your challenges, i can do that too!!

SO this is my plan, figure out a way to work exercise into my routine by the end of this month. As i said before, im a bit overweight, and its limiting i feel. But i would LOVE to run, become a runner, and wake up at the crack of dawn and just set out by MYSELF, run, feel the morning air, pray, think, sing.. whatever i wanna do, just clear my head and RUN. But HAHA every time i attempt to run, lol.. its well.. lets just say things move that shouldn't.. or jiggle should i say!! HEHE

Faith

Faith is believing and not seeing. To me its like the wind, can you see the wind?? No, but you can feel it right? If you walk outside and close your eyes, quiet your mind, you can feel the wind come over your entire body, even in the smallest of breezes. So you KNOW that the wind is there, but you cannot see it. That is how i feel about God and my faith. I know that it can be very hard at times to believe that he is real, but to me.. its just a natural part of life.. Faith.

"The truth is that you can never know everything that will be around the next corner; but you can be assured that God and his promises will be there to greet you."

I guess the point of me sharing all of that is because i do have faith, i do believe in Jesus Christ, and yet i am constantly hearing from other Christians, to "Give it to God" and "Let go and let God", "Let God carry the weight". Wouldnt that be nice, i feel myself constantly wondering how. I know that faith is blind, but i have serious issues. I know he never says that life will be easy, but that he will always be with us. My fear is, HOW????? How to i LET GO of something this BIG??? 

This is NOT a question of my faith, so please refrain from commenting about your own religious beliefs. i am entitled to mine, and you yours, but HOW do i let go. FOR EXAMPLE: I do not drive. I basically dont go anywhere alone at all. When i do, i have panic attacks. How am i supposed to get in my car and drive to the town over, knowing that i am going to freak out. I do have faith that he will get me through it, but i question how hard it will be, and how much anxiety will i have to endure. Its those things and those questions that keep me chained to my fears. I wish i could bolt cut the chains and hop in the car, and let faith take me to the next town. Once i get there, then what? Will i freak? I have fears that hold me captive, and to break them i need something bigger than bolt cutters.

Its scary to even sit here and type about the amount of fear i have in my life. Its scary that something so dark, and scary is controlling my life to such extreems. 

I guess it all comes back to the fear of facing rejection. Just because i sit down and pray for peace in the car today, doesnt mean God is going to poof and magically make my life better. Sometimes its in the rain/ thunderstorms that we learn the most . Maybe today isnt the day that its all supposed to be better. Maybe there are things that i am ment to do before i heal. Sometimes those thoughts get me through bad days. Knowing that even in this THUNDERSTORM.. i believe that theres a reason, i will find my purpose.

I will leave you with the quote, 

"such strange creatures are we that we probably smart more under blows which never fall upon us than we do under those that actually come"

Paralized

The Sum of all Fear

A healthy dose of fear can keep us safe, but unhealthy fear is paralyzing. It prevents us from "living" the life that we were intended for. It really limits our potential, and can prevent us from enjoying relationships, experiences, and a meaningful life.

Fear can tie us to the past, and prevent us from exploring and gaining our future. 

When fear takes root in our lives they can actually turn into phobias. The truth is that everyone wrestles with some type of fears, no matter how perfect and put together on the outside. But whatever fears it is that you face, please know that you are not alone. For the very longest time i felt completely ashamed and alone. I thought i was the only person who was this "crazy" and that no one else knew what it was like to be me. Although, most of the people closest to me do not understand or know anything about the battles I'm facing, after sharing just a little bit of my story to a few people i have found out that even some of the people closest to me have similar issues. I just found out that my brother also suffers from anxiety. Not to the extreme that i do, and he is not bound and shackled by it. But recently, he was in a serious accident and he opened up to me about a lot of things. 

By NO means do i feel comfort that other people suffer, but it is a bit reassuring to know that i am not alone in this. Even tho i do not know anyone directly affected with the same exact issues that i face, i know that there are plenty of people who are out there who deal with the same things as me! Hopefully, through this story/ blog, we can all connect, encourage and grow.. together!!!

I know everyone out there isn't a christian, and that is not the point of this blog, but i recently read a quote that i LOVE, and want to share!!

"The Truth is that there is NO fear from which God cannot set you Free From!!"

Jumping from the top step

I once read that a panic attack is basically your nervous system standing at the top of a flight of stairs, and jumping all the way down to the bottom without walking the steps in between. Your panic goes from 0 to 100 in a split second. The same source also said that a normal amount of fear is completely healthy. When you see a stove burner lit up all red, we KNOW not to touch that bc we will be burned. When you are standing at the top of a mountain looking over the edge, you are afraid to fall, that fear is good because if you didnt have that fear, you would be jumping down the side and probably dying or getting seriously injuried. So in THAT aspect there is a healthy dose of fear. Those of who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, we skip all the steps in a normal amount of fear. A normal fear is walking from the top of the stairs to the bottom maybe a little bit faster than normal bc you are in a hurry. But WE, just leap from top to bottom with our emotions. 

A book i read called, "Overcoming Fear, Worry and Axiety", by Elyse Fitzpatrick, gives a PERFECT EXAMPLE of the cycle of our bodies loosing control. ( a panic attack is loosing control). Its basically like a Downward spirial. Picture with me if you can, a tornado. How they funnel, the top is big and the bottom is small. Ok... so we are looking at our tornado, and these are the order of emotions:

*The Desire to control some aspect  of your world leads to:
*The realization that life is out of your control, leading to:
*The physical appearance of fear, 
*Leading to the desire to control the fear experience as well as the circumstances, 
*Leading to anger, isolation, depression, and a 
*world that grows smaller and smaller and more and more out of control, 
*Leading to increased efforts to control and more fears, and so on!

One of my favorite quotes from this same book, is:

"Fear is a more dangerous enemy than those that you fear..."
-Thomas Watson

Basically, when you are having anxiety, i used to believe that it was something that i can control. Like i was doing it to myself. I believed that all the symptoms were all in my head. But really, they are all quite real. They may be false fears, such as thinking that i cannot breath, but they are physically happening to me. 

When we are nervous or have fear, our heart rate beings to speed, which causes adrenaline to release, and our bodies are in panic mode, and we are looking for something to be afraid of. We are truly afraid, and experiencing the heavy chest, dizziness, and or whatever symptoms accompany your anxiety, but really we are subcontiously controlling them and causing them.

I know that most of this makes no sense at all, and sometimes i wonder why i want to know so much about it, but i used to be afraid to know how  or why, and now i am hoping that it will help me find my answers. Hope it helps you find yours too!!